Smart Bombs

Last week an alleged terrorist snuck something explosive onto a plane, and tried to blow it up as the plane neared Detroit. The TSA, of course, reacted with their typical knee-jerk efficiency, banning blankets, pillows, computers, video games, iPods, and going to the bathroom.

We Famous Critics, though, are here to provide deeper analysis. First, we want all airport security screeners to sit down and watch “This Is Spinal Tap,” specifically the scene where a band member has a tinfoil-wrapped cucumber stuffed into the front of his pants as he tries to board a plane. Really, if Rob Reiner can come up with this stuff more than two decades ago, shouldn’t we have been able to move past it by now?

Second, what’s up with bombing Detroit-bound planes? Between GM and the Lions, haven’t the Detroiters suffered enough? (Disclosure statement: this Famous Critic is a Detroit native. Motown= my town.) And if the plane went down and created another smoking hole in the urban battlefield, would anyone really notice? More importantly, if you’re a terrorist trying to blow up planes over America, take a close look at where the Detroit airport is located. On that international flight from Amsterdam, the plane in question probably spent about a minute and a half over the USA after leaving Canadian airspace. C’mon, pick an airport farther from the border.

Finally, hasn’t anyone else realized that this is all part of a bigger plot? Between the shoe bomber and the underpants bomber, these terrorists clearly aren’t a bunch of rocket scientists. They need to get smarter. So, they create an “incident,” the TSA overreacts, and pretty soon the only thing that you’ll be allowed to do on an airplane is read. See? It’s all part of the terrorists’ literacy campaign! They get smarter, and then we’re really in trouble.

In six days I’m boarding an international flight. And I promise that the only thing stuffed into my shorts will be, well, you’ll have to use your imagination. Or not.