Fear Only Fear

I’ve had it with fear. You turn on a TV and it’s all about being afraid: swine flu will kill you, terrorists will blow you up, government death panels will restrict your access to health care, toys contain dangerous chemicals, food is full of unhealthy byproducts, perverts will snatch your children, banks will raise your rates until you’re broke, and if you don’t own enough gold you’re totally screwed when society as we know it comes to an inevitable screeching halt. On one network, there’s actually so little good news that they’ve bundled it into a special segment and found a sponsor for it. (And that sponsor’s product will make you jittery and nervous, which is certainly a step on the path to a full-on panic attack.)

So it’s time for everyone to face irrationality. Whatever you’re afraid of, that fear is probably not based in any sort of factual reality. Keeping your kids home so they don’t get swine flu? Fine, but make sure they exercise and eat healthy foods, otherwise they’ll eventually drop dead of heart disease, which is much more likely to hasten your demise than H1N1. Terrorism? Please. I just talked to my local postal worker, who’s concerned that on my upcoming trip to an Asian country I’ll be in harm’s way. But haven’t I got a better chance of being gunned down by a disgruntled postal worker than by Al Qaeda? If you’re concerned that a Washington bureaucrat will keep you from your meds, you need to stop listening to Sarah Palin. Yes, your Chinese-made toys may have lead in them. So give your kids a ball, a stick, a cardboard box, or a jump rope and send them outside. True, your food may contain all sorts of garbage, but if you’ve been breathing the air of a typical American traffic jam, you’re probably no worse off.  You should be worried about your kids — it’s called being a good parent — and you should teach them about where it’s safe to play and who they should and shouldn’t go with. (Thanks, Mom, for just turning me loose in the neighborhood. I got plenty of exercise, developed social skills with the other kids on my street, and learned how to take care of myself.) If you’re worried about the bank, then recognize that our banking system is a joke and you’re the butt of it. Stop using credit and live within your means. And if you’re hoarding gold, stop listening to Glenn Beck (he’s a paid spokesman for the gold industry. Hypocrite.)

Listen, sharks only kill 4 people worldwide every year. Stop being afraid of them. You’re more likely to die in a car wreck on the way to the beach than once you get there. The most important thing you can have in case of a snake bite is a car key. Drive to the hospital! American doesn’t have any snakes that are so deadly that you don’t have at least half an hour to get medical attention. And why are we so afraid of dying? It’s going to happen to all of us, no matter how much fear we have. Accept the inevitable and move on.

My point is, fear is a waste of time. If you have to be afraid of something, try to make sure there’s a rational reason for it. Which is why I’m terrified of Britney Spears.