Famous Critics's Blog

Dropkick me, Jesus…. December 21, 2009

Recently, a local guy (the ex-mayor of my town, actually) wrote a letter to the newspaper detailing how upset he was to be greeted in a local store with “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Of course, he wrote this two weeks before Christmas, but smack dab in the middle of Hannukah. So in response, let me say, get over it! Jesus is your personal lord and savior? Fine. Great. But the operative word in that phrase is “personal.” The rest of the world shouldn’t be forced to acknowledge your god. It’s a personal thing, not something that needs to be played out in the entrance foyer of big-box retail outlets or on the op-ed page of the newspaper.

By saying “Happy Holidays,” the store is choosing not to dismiss Christ, but to include other religions in the seasonal merriment. Nobody is saying that Jesus doesn’t exist (although I’m not saying he did either; that’s an entirely different conversation). Instead, they’re giving a nod to the fact that we live in a multicultural, polyreligious society, and that it’s better to err on the side of inclusion than exclusion. How would the letter-writer feel if he walked into the store at various times of year and was greeted with shouts of “Happy Purim!” or “Merry Ramadan!” During the other 11 months of the year, does he think that a simple “Hello, welcome to WalMart” is really a bone being thrown to the atheists, because it excludes religion altogether?

My point is that religion really doesn’t have a place in the world’s retail centers. And that people need to lighten up. If your faith in your god is so weak that it can’t take a little heckling, needling, or outright naysaying by others, then you need to be shoring up your faith, not tearing down those who don’t share your (weak) beliefs. If you truly believe in a god, then what does it matter what some smock-wearing retiree making minimum wage says while he points you toward the shopping carts?

That said, here’s a hamburger made from a sacred cow…

In the spirit of Shackleton December 14, 2009

As I write this, a group of climbers are lost on Oregon’s Mount Hood. Rescuers have been grounded by weather. It’s entirely possible that the climbers may die. And this may sound cruel, but that’s as it should be.

Technology has allowed mankind to forego common sense and push on into the realm of stupidity. The news report I’ve listened to about the missing climbers pointed out that they didn’t have an emergency locator beacon. But what if they had? Should they be able to push a button to alert someone else that they’re in trouble and need assistance? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of doing dangerous things like climbing mountains? Journals devoted to outdoor sports, as well as those for search and rescue personnel, are filled with stories about — sorry to use this word, but there’s really no substitute — dumbasses who’ve pushed the button and scrambled rescue teams because of minor inconveniences like running out of bottled water. Seems to me that if you’re in your city park, or Central Park, or any park where you’re within a few miles of the parking lot, you should have a reasonable expectation of getting help. Chances are that you’re not fitted out with survival gear, or wearing hi-performance layers, or sporting shoes meant for navigating the Khumbu Icefall. Dayhikers should expect rescue.

But if you’re climbing Mount Hood, if you’re in a wilderness area, if you’re doing something that requires training and planning and specialized equipment, then you also need to accept the risk that something might go wrong. You should be equally prepared to deal with disaster as you are to climb the mountain. Any good climber will tell you that getting up the mountain is only half the trip; successful climbers are the ones who come back down too. The late, sainted Edward Abbey was adamant that if you hike into a wilderness area, no one should ever come looking for you, because that’s what wilderness means. Having the ability to call for rescue is, to me, cheating.

The other side of the coin is the danger to the rescuers. Just because you’re trapped in a blizzard, why should teams of people also put their lives at risk to save yours? And especially if you’re one of the “I ran out of water” people; thankfully, they were charged with reckless endangerment after their third call for help sent rescue helicopters searching for them. Choosing to do something dangerous includes accepting the risk, and not endangering others in the process.

The world needs more stories of heroic survival. More tales of rugby teams resorting to cannibalism in the Andes. More climbers crawling down the mountain on broken legs after their companions had left them for dead. More hikers who cut off their own arms to escape crushing rockfalls (and to be fair, that guy was stupid for not telling anyone where he was going and when to expect him back). We need for Shackletons, keeping their crews alive in the Antarctic. Shackleton new how to sail a small boat through stormy seas, navigating by the stars, hiking down glaciers to get help. Pushing a button is a cop out.

Fear Only Fear December 11, 2009

I’ve had it with fear. You turn on a TV and it’s all about being afraid: swine flu will kill you, terrorists will blow you up, government death panels will restrict your access to health care, toys contain dangerous chemicals, food is full of unhealthy byproducts, perverts will snatch your children, banks will raise your rates until you’re broke, and if you don’t own enough gold you’re totally screwed when society as we know it comes to an inevitable screeching halt. On one network, there’s actually so little good news that they’ve bundled it into a special segment and found a sponsor for it. (And that sponsor’s product will make you jittery and nervous, which is certainly a step on the path to a full-on panic attack.)

So it’s time for everyone to face irrationality. Whatever you’re afraid of, that fear is probably not based in any sort of factual reality. Keeping your kids home so they don’t get swine flu? Fine, but make sure they exercise and eat healthy foods, otherwise they’ll eventually drop dead of heart disease, which is much more likely to hasten your demise than H1N1. Terrorism? Please. I just talked to my local postal worker, who’s concerned that on my upcoming trip to an Asian country I’ll be in harm’s way. But haven’t I got a better chance of being gunned down by a disgruntled postal worker than by Al Qaeda? If you’re concerned that a Washington bureaucrat will keep you from your meds, you need to stop listening to Sarah Palin. Yes, your Chinese-made toys may have lead in them. So give your kids a ball, a stick, a cardboard box, or a jump rope and send them outside. True, your food may contain all sorts of garbage, but if you’ve been breathing the air of a typical American traffic jam, you’re probably no worse off.  You should be worried about your kids — it’s called being a good parent — and you should teach them about where it’s safe to play and who they should and shouldn’t go with. (Thanks, Mom, for just turning me loose in the neighborhood. I got plenty of exercise, developed social skills with the other kids on my street, and learned how to take care of myself.) If you’re worried about the bank, then recognize that our banking system is a joke and you’re the butt of it. Stop using credit and live within your means. And if you’re hoarding gold, stop listening to Glenn Beck (he’s a paid spokesman for the gold industry. Hypocrite.)

Listen, sharks only kill 4 people worldwide every year. Stop being afraid of them. You’re more likely to die in a car wreck on the way to the beach than once you get there. The most important thing you can have in case of a snake bite is a car key. Drive to the hospital! American doesn’t have any snakes that are so deadly that you don’t have at least half an hour to get medical attention. And why are we so afraid of dying? It’s going to happen to all of us, no matter how much fear we have. Accept the inevitable and move on.

My point is, fear is a waste of time. If you have to be afraid of something, try to make sure there’s a rational reason for it. Which is why I’m terrified of Britney Spears.

You don’t need a weatherman… December 3, 2009

What’s a company to do with a spare $12 billion these days? If you’re Comcast, you use it to control the weather. [Truth in media advisory: Comcast provides my TV, telephone, and internet service. And over the years, they've managed to screw things up more than they got them right. I'm still waiting for the cable guy to show up for that service call I scheduled in September.]

Among the pieces of NBC Universal that Comcast is going to buy is a little outfit called The Weather Channel. And working at The Weather Channel is “Hurricane” Jim Cantore. You know Jim… the shaven-headed king of disaster reporting. If palm trees are blowing sideways, roofs are flying off houses, and floodwaters are rising, that’s where you’ll find Jim Cantore. It’s just not a disaster until Jim Cantore shows up. The Weather Channel may send in some lesser meteorologists for the first few days of the storm — you know, where they get to say, “Local officials are calling on residents to evacuate” — but that’s just the piddly stuff, the previews of coming attractions. Any talking head can report on a tropical depression.

But then Jim Cantore shows up, and bam!, that depression blows up into a Category 5 typhoon with “hand of God” strength. It’s like Mother Nature knows not to start the fireworks until Cantore is in position. And he’s always in position: wearing his Weather Channel gore-tex, tucked behind some cinderblock wall that’ll absorb the blow of flying debris, never in water deep enough to be dangerous but always looking like there’s the potential he could be swept away, and not a hair on his bald head out of place.

So now Jim Cantore will be traveling at the whim of Comcast. It won’t be a weather disaster until Jim’s Comcast puppetmasters in Philadelphia tell him to get out into the soup. And since that soup doesn’t really heat up until Jim arrives… well, it seems to me that in addition to controlling your television, your telephone, your computer, the cables that connect them all, Al Roker, Brian Williams, Erin Burnett (that stock market sexpot!), The Today Show, The Office, and re-runs of Battlestar Galactica on SyFy, they now control the weather as well.

I’m going to go pay my cable bill, since I don’t want my house to be “accidentally” smited by a cyclone.