Famous Critics's Blog

Criticizing to make the world better March 4, 2010

Smart Bombs January 1, 2010

Last week an alleged terrorist snuck something explosive onto a plane, and tried to blow it up as the plane neared Detroit. The TSA, of course, reacted with their typical knee-jerk efficiency, banning blankets, pillows, computers, video games, iPods, and going to the bathroom.

We Famous Critics, though, are here to provide deeper analysis. First, we want all airport security screeners to sit down and watch “This Is Spinal Tap,” specifically the scene where a band member has a tinfoil-wrapped cucumber stuffed into the front of his pants as he tries to board a plane. Really, if Rob Reiner can come up with this stuff more than two decades ago, shouldn’t we have been able to move past it by now?

Second, what’s up with bombing Detroit-bound planes? Between GM and the Lions, haven’t the Detroiters suffered enough? (Disclosure statement: this Famous Critic is a Detroit native. Motown= my town.) And if the plane went down and created another smoking hole in the urban battlefield, would anyone really notice? More importantly, if you’re a terrorist trying to blow up planes over America, take a close look at where the Detroit airport is located. On that international flight from Amsterdam, the plane in question probably spent about a minute and a half over the USA after leaving Canadian airspace. C’mon, pick an airport farther from the border.

Finally, hasn’t anyone else realized that this is all part of a bigger plot? Between the shoe bomber and the underpants bomber, these terrorists clearly aren’t a bunch of rocket scientists. They need to get smarter. So, they create an “incident,” the TSA overreacts, and pretty soon the only thing that you’ll be allowed to do on an airplane is read. See? It’s all part of the terrorists’ literacy campaign! They get smarter, and then we’re really in trouble.

In six days I’m boarding an international flight. And I promise that the only thing stuffed into my shorts will be, well, you’ll have to use your imagination. Or not.

Dropkick me, Jesus…. December 21, 2009

Recently, a local guy (the ex-mayor of my town, actually) wrote a letter to the newspaper detailing how upset he was to be greeted in a local store with “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Of course, he wrote this two weeks before Christmas, but smack dab in the middle of Hannukah. So in response, let me say, get over it! Jesus is your personal lord and savior? Fine. Great. But the operative word in that phrase is “personal.” The rest of the world shouldn’t be forced to acknowledge your god. It’s a personal thing, not something that needs to be played out in the entrance foyer of big-box retail outlets or on the op-ed page of the newspaper.

By saying “Happy Holidays,” the store is choosing not to dismiss Christ, but to include other religions in the seasonal merriment. Nobody is saying that Jesus doesn’t exist (although I’m not saying he did either; that’s an entirely different conversation). Instead, they’re giving a nod to the fact that we live in a multicultural, polyreligious society, and that it’s better to err on the side of inclusion than exclusion. How would the letter-writer feel if he walked into the store at various times of year and was greeted with shouts of “Happy Purim!” or “Merry Ramadan!” During the other 11 months of the year, does he think that a simple “Hello, welcome to WalMart” is really a bone being thrown to the atheists, because it excludes religion altogether?

My point is that religion really doesn’t have a place in the world’s retail centers. And that people need to lighten up. If your faith in your god is so weak that it can’t take a little heckling, needling, or outright naysaying by others, then you need to be shoring up your faith, not tearing down those who don’t share your (weak) beliefs. If you truly believe in a god, then what does it matter what some smock-wearing retiree making minimum wage says while he points you toward the shopping carts?

That said, here’s a hamburger made from a sacred cow…

In the spirit of Shackleton December 14, 2009

As I write this, a group of climbers are lost on Oregon’s Mount Hood. Rescuers have been grounded by weather. It’s entirely possible that the climbers may die. And this may sound cruel, but that’s as it should be.

Technology has allowed mankind to forego common sense and push on into the realm of stupidity. The news report I’ve listened to about the missing climbers pointed out that they didn’t have an emergency locator beacon. But what if they had? Should they be able to push a button to alert someone else that they’re in trouble and need assistance? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of doing dangerous things like climbing mountains? Journals devoted to outdoor sports, as well as those for search and rescue personnel, are filled with stories about — sorry to use this word, but there’s really no substitute — dumbasses who’ve pushed the button and scrambled rescue teams because of minor inconveniences like running out of bottled water. Seems to me that if you’re in your city park, or Central Park, or any park where you’re within a few miles of the parking lot, you should have a reasonable expectation of getting help. Chances are that you’re not fitted out with survival gear, or wearing hi-performance layers, or sporting shoes meant for navigating the Khumbu Icefall. Dayhikers should expect rescue.

But if you’re climbing Mount Hood, if you’re in a wilderness area, if you’re doing something that requires training and planning and specialized equipment, then you also need to accept the risk that something might go wrong. You should be equally prepared to deal with disaster as you are to climb the mountain. Any good climber will tell you that getting up the mountain is only half the trip; successful climbers are the ones who come back down too. The late, sainted Edward Abbey was adamant that if you hike into a wilderness area, no one should ever come looking for you, because that’s what wilderness means. Having the ability to call for rescue is, to me, cheating.

The other side of the coin is the danger to the rescuers. Just because you’re trapped in a blizzard, why should teams of people also put their lives at risk to save yours? And especially if you’re one of the “I ran out of water” people; thankfully, they were charged with reckless endangerment after their third call for help sent rescue helicopters searching for them. Choosing to do something dangerous includes accepting the risk, and not endangering others in the process.

The world needs more stories of heroic survival. More tales of rugby teams resorting to cannibalism in the Andes. More climbers crawling down the mountain on broken legs after their companions had left them for dead. More hikers who cut off their own arms to escape crushing rockfalls (and to be fair, that guy was stupid for not telling anyone where he was going and when to expect him back). We need for Shackletons, keeping their crews alive in the Antarctic. Shackleton new how to sail a small boat through stormy seas, navigating by the stars, hiking down glaciers to get help. Pushing a button is a cop out.

Fear Only Fear December 11, 2009

I’ve had it with fear. You turn on a TV and it’s all about being afraid: swine flu will kill you, terrorists will blow you up, government death panels will restrict your access to health care, toys contain dangerous chemicals, food is full of unhealthy byproducts, perverts will snatch your children, banks will raise your rates until you’re broke, and if you don’t own enough gold you’re totally screwed when society as we know it comes to an inevitable screeching halt. On one network, there’s actually so little good news that they’ve bundled it into a special segment and found a sponsor for it. (And that sponsor’s product will make you jittery and nervous, which is certainly a step on the path to a full-on panic attack.)

So it’s time for everyone to face irrationality. Whatever you’re afraid of, that fear is probably not based in any sort of factual reality. Keeping your kids home so they don’t get swine flu? Fine, but make sure they exercise and eat healthy foods, otherwise they’ll eventually drop dead of heart disease, which is much more likely to hasten your demise than H1N1. Terrorism? Please. I just talked to my local postal worker, who’s concerned that on my upcoming trip to an Asian country I’ll be in harm’s way. But haven’t I got a better chance of being gunned down by a disgruntled postal worker than by Al Qaeda? If you’re concerned that a Washington bureaucrat will keep you from your meds, you need to stop listening to Sarah Palin. Yes, your Chinese-made toys may have lead in them. So give your kids a ball, a stick, a cardboard box, or a jump rope and send them outside. True, your food may contain all sorts of garbage, but if you’ve been breathing the air of a typical American traffic jam, you’re probably no worse off.  You should be worried about your kids — it’s called being a good parent — and you should teach them about where it’s safe to play and who they should and shouldn’t go with. (Thanks, Mom, for just turning me loose in the neighborhood. I got plenty of exercise, developed social skills with the other kids on my street, and learned how to take care of myself.) If you’re worried about the bank, then recognize that our banking system is a joke and you’re the butt of it. Stop using credit and live within your means. And if you’re hoarding gold, stop listening to Glenn Beck (he’s a paid spokesman for the gold industry. Hypocrite.)

Listen, sharks only kill 4 people worldwide every year. Stop being afraid of them. You’re more likely to die in a car wreck on the way to the beach than once you get there. The most important thing you can have in case of a snake bite is a car key. Drive to the hospital! American doesn’t have any snakes that are so deadly that you don’t have at least half an hour to get medical attention. And why are we so afraid of dying? It’s going to happen to all of us, no matter how much fear we have. Accept the inevitable and move on.

My point is, fear is a waste of time. If you have to be afraid of something, try to make sure there’s a rational reason for it. Which is why I’m terrified of Britney Spears.

You don’t need a weatherman… December 3, 2009

What’s a company to do with a spare $12 billion these days? If you’re Comcast, you use it to control the weather. [Truth in media advisory: Comcast provides my TV, telephone, and internet service. And over the years, they've managed to screw things up more than they got them right. I'm still waiting for the cable guy to show up for that service call I scheduled in September.]

Among the pieces of NBC Universal that Comcast is going to buy is a little outfit called The Weather Channel. And working at The Weather Channel is “Hurricane” Jim Cantore. You know Jim… the shaven-headed king of disaster reporting. If palm trees are blowing sideways, roofs are flying off houses, and floodwaters are rising, that’s where you’ll find Jim Cantore. It’s just not a disaster until Jim Cantore shows up. The Weather Channel may send in some lesser meteorologists for the first few days of the storm — you know, where they get to say, “Local officials are calling on residents to evacuate” — but that’s just the piddly stuff, the previews of coming attractions. Any talking head can report on a tropical depression.

But then Jim Cantore shows up, and bam!, that depression blows up into a Category 5 typhoon with “hand of God” strength. It’s like Mother Nature knows not to start the fireworks until Cantore is in position. And he’s always in position: wearing his Weather Channel gore-tex, tucked behind some cinderblock wall that’ll absorb the blow of flying debris, never in water deep enough to be dangerous but always looking like there’s the potential he could be swept away, and not a hair on his bald head out of place.

So now Jim Cantore will be traveling at the whim of Comcast. It won’t be a weather disaster until Jim’s Comcast puppetmasters in Philadelphia tell him to get out into the soup. And since that soup doesn’t really heat up until Jim arrives… well, it seems to me that in addition to controlling your television, your telephone, your computer, the cables that connect them all, Al Roker, Brian Williams, Erin Burnett (that stock market sexpot!), The Today Show, The Office, and re-runs of Battlestar Galactica on SyFy, they now control the weather as well.

I’m going to go pay my cable bill, since I don’t want my house to be “accidentally” smited by a cyclone.

The new bad guys November 29, 2009

Anybody remember how, after the Iron Curtain fell and the USSR dissolved, the bad guys in the movies suddenly shifted from Boris Badanov-style Russkis to Bid Laden jihadist Arabs? After seeing “The Blind Side” recently, I want to make a case for Hollywood to focus its malevolent gaze on some real domestic terrorists: the National Collegiate Athletic Association.

The movie goes through 90 tearjerking minutes, passes up some opportunities to make the crack junkie mother or gangbanging neighbors into the bad guys, and finally sets up the NCAA for some much-deserved hatred. How dare the NCAA assume that the film’s hero and family values-loving heroine are conspiring to break NCAA rules? Imagine that someone would rescue a homeless child, pay for his education, buy him a car, and adopt him… just for the nefarious purpose of improving the football team at their alma mater?! Outrageous, but then that’s the NCAA.

These are the same people that refused to let a Colorado student play football because he had been a professional skier. Doesn’t matter that the NCAA doesn’t regulate collegiate skiing. If you take money for one sport, you’re ineligible for all others.

The same NCAA cracked down on Clemson University because the coach’s wives were giving an elementary school student rides home. His older brother  was a football player, and was raising him single-handedly after their parents died and/or went to jail, all while going to college, which made it impossible to hold a job. The little brother simply needed some parental supervision and rides to and from school, and his teammates and coaches and their families pitched in to help out. Nope, sorry, that’s a violation of NCAA rules. Gifts to players are verboten, and driving a kid to grammar school is a gift.

Let’s not even look at the debacle that is the BCS. Players at three schools — Boise State, Cincinnati, and TCU — did all that they were supposed to do — win every game — and they won’t be able to even be considered for the national championship, mostly because their schools aren’t traditional big-name football powerhouses like Florida, Alabama, and Texas.

The NCAA’s goal of keeping college athletics unpolluted by money and cheating is noble, and most of the time they do a decent job of accomplishing it. But when they turn into officious, narrow-minded bureaucrats who lack an iota of compassion and rely on strict interpretations of a policy manual, they deserve to be strung up and bludgeoned by a women’s college field hockey team.

Which, come to think of it, is a movie I’d pay to see.

Flipping the bird November 25, 2009

We critics are big fans of Thanksgiving. Okay, really, we’re more big fans of pie and mashed potatoes, but if there’s a holiday that gives us an excuse to eat mashed potatoes and pie, we’re behind it. And it also gives us a reason to look at great moments in turkey history.

In third place (just because it’s fictional), we present “The West Wing”, going in a new direction to create a new military air wing. Gotta love the President saying, “If the Oscars were like that [the runner-up is slaughtered] I’d watch.”

In second place, the inimitable Sarah Palin pardons a turkey too, but seems oblivious of her surroundings later on in the interview. Notice the reporters asking questions using phrases like “chopping block.”

And of course, the greatest moment in turkey history, when WKRP in Cincinnati decided to drop turkeys from a helicopter in a legendary Thanksgiving giveaway. 

Enjoy your bird, and your pie, and your tryptophan-induced coma.

What’s round and fun and fits in your hand? November 17, 2009

Most Halls of Fame have some sort of Veterans Committee that recommends overlooked old-timers for inclusion with the all-time greats. Also, usually when the Hall first starts, it looks back over the previous years to find those who should be inducted at the start. For instance, the Baseball Hall of Fame’s first induction class was in 1939, but included legends like Ty Cobb, whose career had ended nearly three decades earlier.

So then what’s going on at the Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, NY? This year’s inductees (their 11th group) include the Big Wheel (old school fun),  the GameBoy (too new for me, but clearly a forerunner of modern handheld games), and … the Ball. The Ball! How in the name of Milton Bradley did the frackin’ BALL not get into the Hall of Fame before now? Did it gamble on games it had played in? Was there a cloud of steroid suspicion hanging over it? (Let’s not forget all the accusations about “juiced balls” and baseball’s entire “live ball era”.)

What makes it even more egregious are the previous inductees. The Stick made it in last year. The Cardboard Box went into the Hall in 2005. How did the Ball not make it until now? You can’t have a game without a ball. All you need, for the most part, is a ball and an adjective. Base…BALL. Foot…BALL. Soft…BALL. Basket…BALL. Volley… BALL. Hockey… okay, well, that one was invented by Canadians.

So let’s hear it for the Ball. And here’s hoping that next year, the Rock and Bubble Wrap get their due.

Faux Fox November 11, 2009

I really don’t want to get into politics on this blog. Both parties are irritating. But only one party has the advantage of a TV news channel that’s willing to commit fraud to support its agenda. Yup, you guessed it… Fox News is faking it worse than a cheap hooker. And what really kills me is that it takes “The Daily Show” to reveal it.

The Republicans held a health care rally outside the Capital on November 9. Fox News used footage from an anti-tax rally on September 12, making it seem like more people attended the November rally than really did. It’s not hard to figure out. On November 9, Washington DC had clear blue skies and the leaves were orange. On September 12, it was cloudy and gray, and the leaves were green. The Daily Show ran a side by side comparison of the footage, and sure enough, Fox tried to pull a switcheroo. Is that journalism? Is that reporting what actually happened? Clearly not.

Historically, a picture was worth a thousand words. In this age of Photoshop, maybe it’s worth a bit less. On Fox News, it’s worth nothing at all. How can you trust a network that fakes stories? When it happened to the New York Times, people got fired. Will Fox News do the same to the people who perpetrated this fraud?

But let’s share the blame. Where’s the rest of the media on this? How come this story broke on Comedy Central, not on CNN, ABC, NBC, and CBS? Are other networks going to give Fox a pass based on professional courtesy? Is Wolf Blitzer afraid that if he castigates Fox News, that they’ll turn around and make fun of him for being named Wolf Blitzer? I expect better from the media. And once again, we see why so many people (me included) consider Jon Stewart the most trustworthy name in news.

[11/12 follow up... Sean Hannity of Fox News has apologized, but called it an "inadvertent mistake." Hogwash. Somebody had to pull the video footage from an archive and splice it into the new story. That requires premeditation. Nothing inadvertent about it.]